Here Kitty kitty kitty

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No
matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense that my boss
thinks that I am really planning a couple of rounds of golf or something.

On one occasion, I had an overwhelmingly valid reason for my absence, but I
lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and that I hoped
I would feel up to coming in the next day. Surely by then, I thought,
I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident in question occurred mainly because I conceded to my
wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no problem, but one morning, as I was taking my shower
after breakfast, I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I'm scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." 

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a
not-so-subtle statement about how her cowardly behavior was not
without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink
to find the button. This was the last action that I clearly remember
performing, but I was later able to recreate most of what happened.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay,
it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she
had spied between my legs.  Poised around the corner of the cabinets
she had stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the
second I was the most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I had
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her tiny, needle-like claws.

To the less-informed of you, a bit of explanation or at least a
reminder may be in order: when men sense danger or feel pain anywhere
close to their masculine region they will invariably lose all rational
thought and control over orderly bodily movements.  Instinctively, this
man's nerves will compel the entire body to contort inwardly and rise
upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

More to the point, it is my honest opinion that not even a well
trained monk could calmly stand and rectify such a situation,
especially with his nether regions supporting the fullweight of even
a small kitten.  As we all know, wild animals are sometimes faced with 
a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in predicaments such as these, tend to 
choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight upward at the speed of
sound I knew, in a flash of dismal irony, how a ca tmust feel when it
is alarmed. However, where as cats seek great heights to escape, I
never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my
ascent, and the impact knocked me out cold.

When I finally awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted unmercifully as
they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office days later, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's
the matter?  Cat got your tongue?"  If they had only known!